The Midnight News 10.14.02 

Posted By Hyatte on 10.14.02

The Smarts Ruin Everything, Taxes, The Undertaker, The Man of Steel, Ashish, Movie Quotes, Wanna Rassle?, Syxx, What Web Guys Do Late At Night, A Class Act, Missy, Mattitude, Luger, Honky, and Canadians 

Hey, I've got to be honest, I've never read anything by you before. Actually I might have once, but it could just have easily been Sean Shannon during his probable mental breakdown phase. As luck(?) would have it I found myself with the time and inclanation to do so today, and permit me to laugh heartily. 

I hope your need for a dick extention is fulfilled by spouting your vaugely literate shit to what must be the core audiences of 12 year old boys, and those who think like 12 year old boys alike. 'I have the power to eradicate the Torch.' Suuuuurre ya do. And I'm positive that your non-stop prattling about sex makes you a hero to the aformentioned pubescent boys, which will surely make it much more likely for them to let you touch them should you meet. Seriously, your protestations about not being gay work about as well as Billy and Chuck's did during their bikini contest judging on Smackdown. 

So thanks alot, if only to help me enjoy the nWWWo even more in retrospect. 

You are a truly, truly, awful writer, and are to incisive wrestling comment what Jimmy Snuka is to marital relations. 

Farewell my new friend, 

Ian Mowat 

Hmm... now when did I vow to "eradicate" the Torch? 

And Sean Shannon seems to have a breakdown once every two weeks... could you be more specific. 

I don't think I made a "new friend". I smell sarcasm. Call me crazy. 

And can we PLEASE find an alternative word for "prattling" please? Seems that every flame I get from people just dying to show how much smarter there are uses the word "prattle"... try some DIFFERENT words such as "prate", "chatter", "blab", "jaw", "jabber", "palaver", "brather", and "twaddle". Okay? Enough with the "prattle"... and "ramblings" can go too. While we're at it... let's kill off "babble" too. There are so many words... DISCOVER THEM. 

I'm Chris and this is the News. Hiya. 

How cool is it that the next World Series will feature two teams that have either never been to the big dance before, or at least not for a looong time. It's so AWESOME that the Minnesota F-ing Twins are as close to a "play off vet" club in this series. 

Last time the Giants were in the Series (unless I'm badly off), was against the A's in the 80's... Frisco had that monster earthquake that tore down double decker highways. Morons were holding "John 3:16" signs. That was a time... oh yes... that was the time. 

That series, the REAL MVP was ABC broadcaster Al Michaels... who was the lone voice at "ground zero" and kept the world informed of what was going on. He handled it with poise and professionalism while Peter Jenning's stuttered around like a drunk Canuck. 

No Yankees, no Braves, no D-Backs... all new teams. I love it. 

And next year... if Steinbrenner doesn't buy MORE All Stars to pick himself up another ring.... next year... look out for the Red Sox. 2003 WILL BE THE YEAR OF BOSTON!! THE DAMN BABE RUTH/BILL BUCKNER CURSE WILL FINALLY BE LIFTED!!! NEXT YEAR IT ALL COMES TOGETHER, DAMMIT!!!!!! 

Let's do the news: 

THE SMARTS SUCK AND HERE'S WHY!! 

The net is somewhat RESPONSIBLE for how business is going right now. Why go to house shows or watch shows or buy PPVs when you can get on the net for FREE and find out what happened. FOR FREE! You got your newsgroups where within one hour after a broadcast, you can download what you should be paying for to help guys put food on the table. 

A worker (I think... he's very vague... but has spite towards net guys, so he seems legit) explaining why Dusty Rhodes was right a few weeks ago when he blamed the "Smarts" for the sagging business. 

He has points... but I say that house shows are, and have always been, the PRIMARY money-maker for the business... more than anything else. It's where most of the merchandise is sold. And I don't think ANYONE sees a house show playing in town and thinks to his or herself: Gee, why go when I'll see the results on the INTERNET a day or two later!!. Especially since it's common knowledge that houses run the same series of matches during each "tour". We know nothing will happen... we also know workers will rarely put on a "PPV Quality" performance without the cameras. Hell, there aren't too many injuries that occur at the houses. There's a reason for that. 

We also know that the boys will try new things, go wild on the stick, and generally try to have fun with the crowd AND their opponent. Plus it really is a thrill to see these guys work live. Just in person. THAT'S why the smarts will ALWAYS hit a house show with little motivation. 

The problem is.. the casual fans aren't just switching the channel... they just don't CARE about the business anymore. I really don't see this lasting... but that's the deal right now. Sorry. 

UNCLE SAM WON'T PUT YOU OVER EITHER!!! (2) 

Last week, I broke the SCARY news (ugh) about what Wrestlers' paychecks look like... I more or less presented a very simplified version of how the WWE deducts taxes. Well, I real life IRS AGENT wrote in and helped pad my (I admit) weak information on the subject: 

I was reading the column item about payment and taxation of wrestlers, and thought I could add a few things. I am an enrolled agent for the IRS, so I got out a few books and did some checking. 

If Vince keeps so many accountants on the staff, he may be treating his wrestlers as employees, which means that he takes out all taxes on the wages they earn and gives them a W-2 at the end of the year, just like most of us receive. 

The indy shows may be treating the wrestlers they hire per show as independent contractors, which means that the wrestlers are required to file a tax return as self-employed people, which means that they will pay all taxes at the end of the year (their SS and Medicare tax will be paid as self-employment taxes on the return). They should receive a form called a 1099 from each promoter they work for, but I wonder how many of the indy guys have it together enough to do so. 

There is a lot more, but it gets pretty involved, so I'm not going to bore you to death. 

I did find an interesting story- a boxer tried to get out of paying taxes on prize money he won because he said he lost intangible assets during the fight, so his loss was greater than his gain. When pressed to reveal the assets he lost, his lawyer replied with two words- "his brains". Maybe Sean Waltman has a case! 

Mintgiver 

That is... by far, the coolest name EVER for a IRS agent. 

I had another letter from a guy named Jeff Spence who expounded more on the topic... but I lost it. So if Jeff is reading, and feels like explaining his view again... I'm here, baby. 

UNDERTAKING THE MONEY AND RUNNING! 

It's fairly known that one of the reasons Vince is so loyal to the Undertaker is because 'Take stuck around and worked during the time when Bischoff opened someone else's checkbook and the "Mass Exodus" of Titan began. 

Well... the Torch Newsletter says that "sources"... INFORMED SOURCES within the WWE are saying that the Take actually DID reach out to Bischoff shortly after Hall and Nash handed in their notice to Vince and asked if their was a spot there for him too. Ol' Undertaker saw where the wind was blowing... yes he did. 

Bischoff... in his heroically short sighted way... told him (through a third party source) that he wouldn't have a CLUE as to how to market Mark Calloway WITHOUT the WWF "Undertaker" gimmick... so there would be no big money deal for him. (Jesus... how dumb is THAT?) 

So Taker stayed and won Vince's love and thanks. To this day, people wonder if Vince even knew about this. 

Meanwhile... Taker's "Locker Room Leadership" is vanishing faster than readers at 1bob ( 'Lexa, says we are getting farther and farther away from EVERYONE!!!). Hell, it's vanishing faster than my hairline (this is what's called an "open invitation"). Everyone hates him and HHH (hate may be a strong word... many are just praying both men die) and that famous "Pre-Raw pep talk" is being openly goofed on. Another one is set for tonight's show.... where Vince himself plans to scream at them until his newly lifted face ruptures. 

By the way... out of a veritable SEA of outraged fans screaming for the Undertaker's bloody hell ASS for not putting over Lesnar last month... the Torch's Jason Powell pointed out that perhaps the Taker was merely thinking of the NEXT PPV, where Brock could definitively put the Taker down in a higher stake-thus higher gross money match... and it don't get much higher than Hell in a Cell. Someone's thinking clearly. 

IT'S A BIRD, IT'S A PLANE, IT'S THE BIGGEST BOMB EVER!!! 

I put this off for weeks, then it became a big, big news story and the ide... NOTION of covering it in detail seemed silly. 

It's the new Superman movie that everyone's been screaming about. I know you all probably know the story... but you might not know ALL the "creative liberties" the first draft (provided by Alias and Felicity creator JJ Abrams) had taken... so I pulled out the entire story outlined at Ain't It Cool a month ago and go over them. If you know the details, please feel free to blow over to the next story. 

-It's part one of a Trilogy 

-Krypton doesn’t explode. It's alive and well and run by Anthony Hopkins. The BAD Kryptonian... well, one of them named Ty-Zor shows up on Earth thirty years after Kal-El crashes to kill him. It all ties in with some sort of "Prophesy" 

-Supes is apparently a black belt... doing Matrix like moves mid-air 

-Clark's adopted "Ma" doesn't created the Super-Costume. Clark discovers it in a canister and it LEAPS out at him and engulfs him. It's also full sized. By the way, Clark is "Super" the second he crawls out of the pod. 

-CIA Special Agent DR. LEX LUTHOR. That's right... he's now a Government agent... working for an X-Files like division. 

-Jimmy Olsen, in the script, is described as Brooklyn-born and somewhat effeminate. Perry White... HIS BOSS... makes a crack about him being GAY (later, Abrams told Harry Knowles that Olsen won't be a fagola... it's just a little joke) 

-Luthor is revealed to be hunting down the alien who's ship crashed. There is actually TWO ships that crashed. Luthor seems more obsessed with only one. 

-Superman first reveals himself in full suit and saves the President. This causes his "Pa" to drop dead, which causes Clark to swear to never put on the suit again. 

-Then we are shown that Jor-El was actually ON earth and hand-picked the Kent's to look after his boy and gave them something that AIC writer "Moriarty" describes as "The metal thingies". Ma Kent forgets to give them to Clark... and they are apparently vital to his suit. 

-Ty-Zor shows up... Supes puts the suit back on... they fight. Supes dies when he has to save Lois Lane (who is actually handled and portrayed fairly well in the script) from drowning in a water tank... said tank also has a big chunk of Kryptonite. Supes dies saving the bitch. 

-Jor-El "senses" his son’s death so he kills himself in order to reach Kal in the "after-life" and convince him to return, because he's part of the "Prophecy" involving Krypton. Good F-ing Christ. 

-Supes beats everyone (the fight sequences are said to be HUGE), then has to leave earth to fulfill his role in "The Prophesy". Just before he leaves, Lex Luthor shows up and announces that HE is a Kryptonian too and HE was in that first ship that crashed! They have another fight... Luthor (who was ALWAYS about his MIND, NOT his fighting abilities) breaks out his own Matrix mid-air moves 

-Supes wins... Lex goes to prison... and the film ends with Kal El heading off to Kypton for part two. 

That's the mess. 

Needless to say, the AIC crowd screamed for the heads of JJ Abrams and pretty much everyone at Warner Bros... most notably Jon Peters... who might very well be the AntiChrist himself. He's the stud who "got behind" Joel Schumacher’s two film attempt to make the Batman franchise into the ultimate gay man's fantasy. And wanted gay robots in earlier Superman drafts. 

Later, Abrams himself called Harry Knowles and explained his side of the story... that being the script that caused such an uproar was only the first draft. Harry, (a bigger Hollywood suck-up you will never find) basically wrote an essay saying that HE will give the film a shot.. and so should everyone else. Apparently, this caused a little civil war between Knowles and Moriaty that still may be raging right now. Knowles was so rattled he pulled the age-old Net standby and said he has to go on retreat and re-think if this net thing is worth it. (Used that line a million times m'self). 

I'll stop hear with just a little comment. This will be a major trainwreck. Oh, it'll make about a BILLION dollars and shit... and kids will be LINING up to buy those Kryptonian action figures and all that but... man... you just don't mess with some things. You don't re-write the Bible... you don't re-design the American flag... you don't overhaul the recipe for your standard apple pie... you don't blow the existence of Santa to little kids... and you DON'T F*CK WITH SUPERMAN!! 

Oy... saddest thing is... I'm so THERE, dude. 

Anyway, I'm not the biggest fan of Kevin Smith... but if you want to see a Superman script that is different, quirky, and unique (three words, one damn meaning) but it STAYS TRUE TO THE LEGEND... read his script for SUPERMAN LIVES. I would post a section of it... but at the top of the script is this warning: 

No portion of this script may be performed, reproduced, or used by any means, or quoted or published in any medium without the prior written consent of Warner Bros. 

No way around that bad boy. Usually, I can find a loophole to weasel my way around... but that's pretty cut and dry. Read it and look out for the GAY ROBOT!! 

By the way, Chris Reeve can wiggle his finger and walk (with help) underwater... the sonafabitch might just walk again... that’s a REAL LIFE Superman right there, folks. 

LIFE LESSONS WITH ASHISH 

Because he's brilliant. 

Because he has knowledge. 

Because he can... 

Open your ears and listen to Professor Ashish. He's got something to say... he's got something... TO TEACH!!! TAKE IT AWAY, PROFESSOR!!!! 

you'll probably work for me someday so don’t grow egos 

Yes... yes. Words to grow on. I hope you LEARNED, DAMN YOU!!! 

TO BE... OR NOT... ERR.... LINE? 

So, to keep the groove going, I decided to alternate movie quotes with rasslin' quotes every week. This why I can stretch this shit out as long as I can before I run fresh out. 

This week, how about a hard twenty of some nice lines from movies. 

1) A pound of cocaine, sweet pad, and a high fly stereo. That’s the American dream Nigga.- Superfly 

2) Good luck to you, too. Well, actually, I take that back. I hope you don't do well at all. Now that I think about it, I hope you get violated by pig-monkey men in the woods- The Pest 

3) Hey, this is for women. (lady to a guy in the ladies room) 

So is this but occasionally I run a bit of water through it- My Favorite Year 

4) God is our co-pilot? 

That’s right 

(Slap) Where’s he’s gonna sit? (Slap) Where?- The Cannonball Run 

5) The weirdest thing just happened 

Was it that dream where you're wearing sort of sun-god robes standing on a pyramid while a thousand naked women scream and throw little pickles at you? 

No 

Why am I the only person who has that dream?- Real Genius 

6) The Sheriff is a NIG(BONG) 

The Sheriff is near!! 

No, Dab Nabbit!! The Sheriff is a NIG(BONG)- Blazing Saddles 

7) You said you would love me forever! 

That was just pillow talk, baby!- Army of Darkness 

8) We just wanted to be held! 

You got the bonus plan-The Adventures of Ford Fairlane 

9) I AM RAINBOW FUCKING RANDOLPH- Death to Smoochie 

10) Did you get the vase? 

No. 

WHAAAT?? -Entrapment 

11) What the hell were they, psychos or something? 

psychos? no.....psychos don't explode when sunlight hits them. I don't give a fuck how crazy they are - From Dusk ‘Til Dawn 

12) What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids 

playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?- High Fidelity 

13) All you gotta do is learn to feel sorry for yourself. One of the best indoor sports, feeling sorry for yourself. A sport enjoyed by all, especially the born losers - The Hustler 

14) I will give you tacos, oh such tacos will I give- Invader Zim 

15) 1...2...3...4..5...6...7... heh, Oswald was a fag.- The Usual Suspects 

16) Victims. Aren’t we all?-The Crow 

17) My, Kate. You're not wearing a bustle. How lewd- Tombstone 

18) What are you looking at, Nerd? 

I thought I was looking at my Mother’s old douchebag but that’s in Ohio-Revenge of the Nerds 

19) You're lips would make a lollipop too-oo-oo happy- Purple Rain 

And finally... because I know some of you geeks freak if I don't put some rasslin' content in EVERYWHERE... 

20) Would a loser have 2 tickets to WCW Monday Night Nitro? 

Yes!!- Ready To Rumble 

Yes... whoever said movies don't tell the truth? Bah, I say BAH!! 

Keep them coming... I don't even care if they aren't letter perfect... the f*ck... like I'm going to check. So long as you don't completely mangle to quote... I'm cool. 

WILL WRESTLE FOR FOOD!! (oral sex will be c.o.d.) 

I ran this once before, but since it's such a good cause... I decided to re-use it periodically 

Horrible, HORRIBLE title for such a cool story. I apologize to the party who must be under this header. Look at it this way: the headline will REEL THE BASTARDS IN, BABY!!!! 

Talk about one of the better ideas I've seen... ANYONE WHO WANTS TO WORK AS A WRESTLER, read this: 

Since opening it's cyber-doors on July 4, Wrestlers4Hire.com has become a quick contender in the world of "booking websites." To date there are 51 listings for wrestling talent on the site. We have talent of all shapes, experience, sizes, including one half of the Flying Elvis's tag team from NWATNA and former WCW wrestler, Tommy Gunn 

Unlike other booking sites Wrestlers4Hire.com collects no "finders fee" of any kind from people who have listings on the site. We don't even collect a monthly fee. In other words the site is free for wrestling talent and promoters to use. 

"Knowing that any payoff I get from getting booked is all mine makes all the difference in the world to me. Other places must think that there is alot of money in independent wrestling because the fee's they ask for is out of this world. To have a place for guys who don't have the experience and exposure of a Konnan or Disco Inferno is great!" This is just one of the many positive comments that are received from members of the site. 

One basic rule for all to remember. NO BACKYARD KIDS ALLOWED!!!! Get trained and then sign up. 

For more information and to sign up visit www.Wrestlers4Hire.com 

You want to quit f-ing around? You REALLY want to earn a living at this? Check out the site and give it a whirl. The site offers national and international placement. 

And thank me for the 411 (Haw! The wit) if you get work. The f**k... I slave for you people. 

SYXX PAC O'COORS 

Wade's been trumpeting his big ass multi-part Torch Newsletter interview with Sean "Sex Pack" Waltman. So far, the little Paccer has been ducking questions and Wade's been fighting him THE WHOLE WAY... sort of... it's a weird interview... almost hostile, yet they seem friendly with each other. 

Anyway... Waltman spent a great deal of the first part of the interview explaining to Keller that his WWE rep is as followed: 

He's famous... legendary in fact, for showing up at every appearance, save for one incident... but he's notorious for being late all the time. It's a habit he picked up from Bret Hart. YES, BRET HART... NOT KEVIN NASH!! FINALLY, NASH ISN'T BEING HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR SOMETHING!! MY GOD!! ADOLF HITLER BIG SEXY ACTUALLY SHOWED UP ON TIME ONCE IN A WHILE!! LET'S HANG THE BASTARD!!! 

Pac also thinks SOME boys in the NWA blow HUGE, talent wise... but DAMN if he can't remember any names. Wade even said "Does one guy's name sound a little like Spruce?", but Sean refused to say 

The BIG part was Waltman addressing YOU rat pricks who spent the better part of the last 3 years screaming "X-Pac Sucks"... I'm sure no one will blow a gasket if I pull out this little quote: 

I'd like to tell you it doesn't bother me, but I'd be full of sh**. People who don't know me don't realize it, but wrestling has been my life since I was ten. Then when I call somebody on it and state my case on things they go "Oh yeah, well maybe it was mean of me to say that, but you have to understand that it's cool to pick on you now." It hurts my feelings. So I guess I'm a little thin-skinned when it comes to that because I love wrestling so much. 

There you go... in case you were wondering. 

I never ragged on you, Sean! Hyatte loves you. Let me give you a manly, re-assuring hug. Come here, ya' little squirt. 

Interesting interview so far... seems Keller is talking just as much as Waltman is. 

Anyway... SPEAKING of the Torch... why not slip right into... 

SOILED SHEETS 

One question- why do you blame Wade Keller for your Pro Wrestling Torch being late? You do realize it's the post office's fault, don't you? I'm sorry. I enjoy your column, but every week you complain about this and it really gets on my nerves. You're right about their website, but I don't think Wade is responsible for your Torch being late. 

Okay... because when I opened my mailbox last Friday... and TWO Newsletters (last week's and this week's) came out... and later Widro tells me that he too got both newsletters on the same day, it tells me that the post office (first class, as Wade boasts) can only deliver what is SENT OUT!! Wade mailed last week's newsletter late. Face it. 

BUT... BOTH Torch Newsletters arrived before today... so it's a check in the SUCCESS department for ol' Keller. The man now has GOT to work on his consistency. 

And for chrissakes people.. DON'T FIGHT ME on this. Rejoice that FINALLY, someone is raising hell on these newsletters. If YOU subscribe to the Torch or the Observer and occasionally feel like they are f*cking around... tell me about it.. help me raise a ruckus... that's how we get RESULTS!! Stop being Keller's BITCH just because he has a web site and all the Net c*cksmokers are up his ass (Meltzer's too). 

And Mitchell has been totally missing for the last couple of weeks, even from doing PPV review blurbs... either he's recovering from a nasty ball waxing accident... or he knows when to shut up and let his thoughts develop into a good column before puking crap out on paper. (I'm guessing the former). 

Sad to see Keller literally beg the readers to read "The Lounge". He should dispose of the whole concept... send BlowJob Bethel back to geocities and give Burgan a cushy spot in the newsletter. The guy proved his loyalty Wade... hook him up. 

MY THREE STOOGES 

Two things here: 

I felt like busting Scooter's balls some more this week, so I went to his little mailbag nonsense... because I'm told that's where the little nerd REALLY shines... 

Three sentences in... I was not let down: 

Speaking of serial killers, Red Dragon is a FAR superior movie to Ridley Scott's ridiculously overblown Hannibal. Color me impressed -- I thought Brett Ratner could only direct silly action movies. 

Listen... instead of poking fun... I thought I'd go the mature route and offer Scooter some advice. 

Scooter, I know you want to be a writer. You want to be a full time novelist? I wish you luck. I do. I don't hate you. I don't like you much either, but I don't wish death on you (most of the time) 

But Scooter... baby... you have GOT to get out of your house sometime and play catch-up with the times! Color me impressed? Who THE F*CK SAYS THAT ANYMORE???? NO ONE!! That went out in the EARLY... the EARLY 90's. It's not "hip", it's not "cool", it's not "down wit the homies!" It's lame... and it makes YOU lame... and God knows, you don't need much help in that department. Lose the Bobby Brown CDs and GET WITH THE TIMES, stud. Jesus. You keep saying you're a writer... prove it... because no one's going to buy shit from a guy who keeps his head buried in a stack of 20 year old rasslin' tapes and never comes up for air. 

Just some friendly advice. Keep it in mind and maybe I'll stop getting e-mails like this: 

And if you can let Scott Keith know the Air Force thinks he is a f*cking f**got just like everyone else does. 

See Scooter? Phrases like color me...(adjective) does NOT make you any new friends 

This next bit is pretty stupid actually. If big time low brow humor isn't your bag... skip to the next one. 

Being the Ultra-Connected Web God that I am.... I had moles, spies, and various others sneak microphones into some of YOUR favorite Internet Writers to record what they say during sex. What do they scream? What do they blurt out at the top of their lungs just before orgasm? 

Problem is... none of these guys has sex with anything other than their hands... well, one guy uses a blow up doll... but I can't name who... especially since my source in this says the blow up doll had a PENIS!! Good God. 

Anyway.... here are some of YOUR favorite Web Guys and what they scream just before they make a mess on their bedsheets!! 

SCAIA : 

-Indubitably, indubitably, indubitably, indubitably 

-Oh Brian Austin Green! No one understands your pain but ME! OHHH 

-I AM A VIKING! I AM A VIKING 

-THE RICK SAYS OOOOOOOOHHH YEAH!!! 

-HARDER SMARKIE BOY!!! PULL HARDER!!! 

-(on the phone, panting) Hello, MiCasa? Mike Samuda? It's Ricky! Wanna come back? I need youuuu Hello? HELLOOOOO? 

SCOOTER: 

-So this is an erection? Hmm, feels good. WHOA NELLY 

-I'M THE NEXT MELTZ!!!! I'M THE NEXT MELTZ!! 

-I invented the word "Smark!" OOOOOOOOH!! 

CRZ: 

-Here's CRZ and he's YANKING. 

-Oh Rick! No one understands you but me! 

-I'll shut down my site and everyone will LOVE ME! OOOOOOOOOHHH 

-Come on Zed, come on little trooper! 

-You better squirt or my brother will BAN YOU!!! 

-Hey look, it's my PENIS!! 

HYATTE: 

-MOMMY!! OH MOOOOOMMY!! 

-DADDY!! OH DAAAAADDY!! 

-Oh Remy, you ain't the Slammer for nothing! OOOH 

-OH SEAN! OH YOU LITTLE MISS REBEL!!! 

-F*ckin' Widro! F*ckin' Widro! 

-OH TRISH! DON'T BLOCK ME AWAY! DON'T BLOCK MEEEEE!!! 

-I'M STILL THE MAN!! I'M STILL THE MAN!!! I'M STILL THE MAN!!! 

That's right... I record my own love sessions... something for my grandkids. 

Yeesh... I'm just as bad as all these clowns. 

That was stupid... I told you... so let's jump to something that will make some, if not MOST of you feel better... 

SETTING YOU PUNKS STRAIGHT!!! 

Is HHH perfect? No. 

Is HHH a political weasel? Probably. 

Is there an "HHH Effect"? Only in Dave Scherer's mind, praying it takes the web by storm much like the phrase "shork" didn't (thank you Flea!) 

Are YOU sick and tired of all this constant HHH bashing? I mean, even if he deserves it... isn't all the incessant whining GETTING ON YOUR NERVES?? 

You ain't alone... 

Incidentally, what is with all the Triple H bashing of late? He doesn't deserve a push? The only reason he gets the exposure is because he dates the boss's daughter? 

Please. 

Not for nothing but Triple H is one of the biggest/best students of the game active in wrestling today. Here's a guy who can brawl with Foley, grapple with Flair, and adapt to just about any style out there...and make it all look good! 

I'm right along side anybody who was turned off by the introduction of the RAW title. We're pretty much in agreement that it could have been done much better in a way that would give some prestige to the belt. I'm sure that the writers felt that a first title defense against Flair would have covered that end, but it didn't. Maybe if Bischoff had announced Triple H and Flair as the two top contenders for it without declaring a champ beforehand? 

Hindsight is 20/20. 

But here's the thing. Titles don't mean much right now. I've begrudgingly resigned myself to that fact. So why piss and moan over Triple H holding it? Or having a winning streak? It's not like the guy 'no-sells' anybody out there? On the contrary. He is of the mindframe that the more he sells, and the better he makes an opponent look, the better he'll look with the victory. 

This might just be my old school thinking here. I just remember going crazy over the winning streaks of heels, waiting for someone to come up with the right move on the right night to take them out. Not just monsters like Kamala. Even The Honky Tonk Man and his Intercontinental Title run. I could just imagine how today's fans would have reacted back then when guys like Randy Savage and Ricky Steamboat couldn't dethrone HTM. 

We weren't 'smart' back then...but we sure as hell seemed to enjoy it more. 

My god... who said this? What person DARED to defy Net Norm and voice his thoughts as a PURE FAN?? What asshole would have the BALLS to do this??? 

Al Isaacs that's who. 

God bless the sumbitch... the net needs him. 

HYATT ON HYATTE... FOREPLAY 

Well, Missy Hyatt responded to my offer last week (sex for plugs, in a nutshell)... sort of. 

If I plug her Vixxxens site... and her new Sex Lottery site... she'd "blow me". But she is known for passing out dead drunk on her keyboard during chat sessions... so I'm not buying those penis enhancement pills just yet. 

Nah... I don't believe her... BUT WHAT THE HELL!!! You might want to go for it... and I would LOVE to help even NE of my cherry ass virgin readers get laid... SOOO: 

WELCOME TO THEE SEX LOTTERY.COM 

Where sex happens, and where winners cum. Have you ever wanted Missy Hyatt to blow on your dice? Then try for your chance to win the weekend of your choice with "The First Lady of Wrestling" Missy Hyatt! 

Let my fullfill your deepest fantasies"In Reno, where everything is "legal" I will be what ever you want me to be. 

Would you like your own private weekend in Reno, Nevada with Missy Hyatt? A weekend where all your fantasies can come true. Enter for your chance to win! JUST $ 9.95 AN ENTRY The more you enter, the better your chances are of winning. 

WHAT YOU CAN WIN!!!!!!! 

Grand prize:(enter now) Grand prize includes a paid round trip ticket to Reno, Nevada from anywhere in the world, for 3 days and 2 nights with Missy Hyatt. All meals and drinks, limousine transportation to and from Airport and hotel. Plus all hotel accomidations. 

1st Place Prize:(enter now) 10--1st place winners will receive an Autographed copy of Missy's book, "Missy Hyatt, The First Lady of Wrestling". 

2nd Place Prize:(enter now) 10--2nd place winners will receive a copy of recently released "Wrestling Vixxxens Exposed" DVD 

3rd Place Prize:(enter now) 10--3rd place winners will receive a free lotto ticket entry for the next Grand prize giveaway at Thee Sex Lottery. 

69 Runners up will recieve a personailized Autographed picture from Missy Hyatt. 

How it works You must be 21 years of age or older to enter this lottery. With every ticket purchased will bring you one step closer to winning. There are one hundred prizes in all to be won per five thousand entries. Lottery tickets are $9.95 each. Grand Prize winner will be notified by e-mail. All names can be kept confedential upon request. Just let us know what weekend is best for you and its off to Reno you go with Missy Hyatt. 

Purchase Lotto Ticket for $9.95 here: 

Terms & Conditions All tickets must be purchased by individuals 21 years or older. Void where prohibited by law Winners can only collect prizes with thier ticket NUMBER and CONFIRMATION NOTICE. Grand prize includes a paid round trip ticket to Reno, Nevada from anywhere in the world, for 3 days and 2 nights with Missy Hyatt. All meals and drinks, limousine transportation to and from Airport and hotel. Plus all hotel accomidations. All tickets are given without names to keep your identity private. Grand prize must be used within twelve months of winning. Winners ticket numbers will be displayed on the Thee Sex Lottery site. 

Disclaimer Thee Sex Lottery is brought to you by MNR Multimedia Inc. Thee Sex Lottery and MNR Multimedia Inc. are not responsible for any incidents of any kind that can be harmful to winners. All information will be kept one hundred percent private. No one under 21 years of age is eligible. Void where prohibited by law. 

Purchase Thee Sex Lottery ticket for $9.95 here: 

The funniest part... the BEST PART is that on the TOP AND THE BOTTOM of the advertisement... (because you might just have missed the HUGE BLUE FONTS), you get the opportunity to click over to OTHER sites. Female Ejaculation, Voyeur Cam, Foot Fetish, Anorexic Sex, Gay Men, and of course.. Scat Lovers 

The SECOND FUNNIEST PART is that there is NO LINK to click on the site to sign up. Way to go, people... I'd rag on their lack of professionalism but... but for crying out loud... it's PORN... and not the sleek, sexy Vivid kind either. 

God knows I’m not one to talk... but... did the person who wrote this even maybe CONSIDER using spellcheck? Gah. 

Well, www.theesexlottery.com is the place to go. Is a weekend with Missy Hyatt... pretty much a SURE THING... worth $10? I think so. Go for it. 

Wrestling chicks... maybe I'd better stick with slagging drunk Puerto Rican babes during the wee hours of the post-last call night. 

God... the one clear loser here is AL ISAACS... who I wedged between spooging web guys and Missy Hyatt's porno-fest. I'm so sorry, Al! You deserve MUCH better. 

YOU THINK NASH IS LAZY? YOU AIN’T SEEN ANYTHING YET 

I don’t want to scare you here but... there was a little blurb in the Torch about this.. 

Ross Forman isn’t a major voice in the wrestling world... and no one’s running to him for advice but... 

He recently told a newspaper that Lex Luger is not only “in great shape”... not only might he be “bigger than ever” (Dear Christ... how is THAT possible) but... 

Forman “wouldn’t be surprised” if Luger is in the WWE by the end of the year. 

This PROBABLY is Lex’s way of getting word to the WWE that he’s open for business... if the price is right. The NWA can’t afford him. 

Just... I know it’s a crazy ide... NOTION (inside joke) but... just take a second to imagine the night Lex walks out on Raw (like he’d be on Smackdown, where actual WORK is expected). Just... imagine. 

I love the thought... if only to witness the OUTRAGE across the Internet. Oh man. 

A REASON TO CHEER!! 

It was just a few weeks ago where I reported (by way of Powell) about how Jeff Hardy, with his bad attitude and possible “personal issues” is getting a big Raw push while Matt Hardy, who is one of the most eager “team players” is in the doghouse for having DARED speak his mind in front of management. 

Well one switch over to Smackdown and “Mattitude” is very popular and scoring HUGE. Jeff is still being... Jeff. Of course, seeing how he’s jacking with the Undertaker, one wonders how long Matt’s push will last but... it’s good to see he’s taken the ball and is running with it. 

Sometimes the good guys DO win... even in this nutty ass business. (watch, tomorrow Matt will be arrested as a kiddie porn maker or something) 

I KNOW WHAT YOU WATCHED THIS WEEKEND 

How do I know? I checked out 411's new Movie Section!!!. Poor Ashish and Widro are working their BALLS off getting all these new arenas opened!!! The site has reviews (linked below), news (are you ready for Die Hard 4???) and DVD examinations!! It's all you need... all you want!! 

1) Red Dragon: $17.61 million ($63.2 million). This is the film that has colored Scooter impressed 

2) Sweet Home Alabama: $14.1 million ($85 million). Within 3 years, Reese Witherspoon will be more powerful than Julia Roberts... and Ryan Philippe will be doing indy movies and banging Rob Black leftovers... and Sarah Michelle Gellar on the side. 

3) Brown Sugar: $11.05 million ($11.05 million). Bloody hell, why not? 

4) The Transporter: $9.15 million ($9.15 million). Turns out he wasn't more than meets the eye 

5) My Big Fat Greek Wedding: $7.87 million ($158.4). All because Tom Hanks' wife felt bored. 

6) The Tuxedo: $7 million ($37 million). I do not care. I look at Jennifer Love Hewitt and WANT THAT!!! 

Tuck Everlasting, Knockaround Guys, and Barber Shop round out the top ten. The Rules of Attraction, and Swept Away look to be disasters. Good. I SAY GOOD!!! 

Let's see if CRZ's little c*nt of a girlfriend wants to try her luck and open her yap again. 

BUT PLUGS 

Pat Brower is here to say 

Velocity is not a bad Charlie Sheen action film from the 90's... it's a bad wrestling show featuring wrestlers, some of whom could probably outblow Charlie in the cocaine department, quite frankly. 

Brad Jennette finally had enough and killed himself. Yes, death is suddenly a logical alternative to recapping another episode of Heat. Chris Pankonin has decided to test HIS resolve. Godspeed Chris, you gutsy bastard... Godspeed 

Eric Stibbons is BACK and he brought a Confidential recap with him!! This week's show was all these wrestlers laughing about wrestling with their spleens caught halfway up their throats. 

Strangely, the part where Kevin Nash says, "Did I consider finishing the match when my quad blew? Are you out of your MIND?? What kind of retard would do that??" God Bless Big Sexy. 

My God, it's been seven days already? Must mean Tom Daniels has a Week of Wrestling to go over. He also registers his amazement at how only FOX covered a GW speech about how we have to invade Iraq while every time Clinton sneezed, every major network would RUSH to cover it. 

Not only did a Smark show up, it's none other than The Scotsman... when did he decide to be Scooter's primary defender? Scooter has one, Scaia has one, CRZ has a dozen of them. Me, I don't need any. 

What is The Mean? Why, it's a look at a specific wrestler from two sides, that of a "mark" and that or a "smart". William Regal is jammed under Ben Morse's microscope this time around. 

Holy shit... Ben Morse is still alive? Jesus H. 

We're just about all locked up for another week.. and I get my glorious PPV Sunday off next week... so let's wrap things up with the always reliable, always entertaining... 

TAKE US HOME, HONKY 

He's here, he's mouthy, and he knows what's right, what's wrong and isn't afraid to say it. Try it for a month it's only $5. He also does shoot interviews and holds chats all the time. 

Been a few since he dropped by... so let's hear what he said on four big topics... they're all a hoot.. 

Here's some advice for Stone Cold: 

Word on the net is Austin is only talking to WWe agent BlackJack "Stab Them In The Back" Lanza. If this is true then Steve Austin you are in for some badd sh*t. This is the A+ number 1 stooge, backstabber of all time. He is not yours or anybody else's friend. 

On Jesse Ventura's meeting with Fidel Castro: 

Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura told reporters that he discussed pro wrestling with Fidel Castro during his recent tripto Cuba. "The first topic the president wanted to talk about was wrestling,"Ventura said last Friday. "So clearly President Castro is somewhat of a wrestling fan." Ventura added that Castro was curious how wrestlers take bumps without getting hurt. 

HTM's take: How in the hell would Jesse know about bumps? He never went off his feet! 

On Scott Hall's absence from NWA TV, due to "personal reasons": 

Personal can mean only two things to me. You either had the shits and was on the can or you were drunk and they wouldn't let you board the plane. Hey Yo! 

And finally, what Honky update wouldn't be complete without him going off on Jerry Lawler: 

Fans, this week we turn our sights on none other than The Kink himself, Jerry "The Queen" Lawler. This purported progenitor of Grand Master Sexay has spouted so much pure nonsense during his lifetime that it is virtually impossible to tell where his truth starts and his bullshit stops. This self styled Jesse Ventura wannabe once ran for mayor of Memphis after Jesse successfully outwitted Democrats and Republics in the State of Minnesota to become governor. As was expected by everyone except The Queen himself, Lawler came in dead last capturing the heavyweight title for the fewest number of votes cast for a candidate in any election of record held in the State of Tennessee. "The Body" he ain't and no one will ever accuse him of being "The Mind." The truth is Lawler could never be elected Dog Catcher in Dog Patch. 

The world's angriest Elvis Impersonator... (and I'm fairly confident that's a really tough title to keep). 

We done yet? Ohhhhh no. How about one... last... thing... 

POINTLESS RACISM 

What is the best way to circumcise a (CANADIAN)? 

Kick his sister in the jaw 

What do you call a (CANADIAN) with no arms and legs? 

Trustworthy 

What's the name of the father of the Jetsons? George 

What's the name of the mother? Jane 

What's the name of the daughter? Judy 

What's the name of the (CANADIAN)? 

There is no (CANADIAN), don't you see how perfect the future is? 

Why does (CANADA) suck at the Olympics? 

Because every (CANADIAN) that can run, jump, or swim are all over here. 

How do you stop a (CANADIAN) from drowning? 

Take your foot off his head. 

How do you know you have a queer (CANADIAN)? 

He likes money more than girls 

Why don't (CANADIANS) barbecue? 

Because the beans keep falling through the grill. 

Why do (CANADIANS) have big noses? 

So they have something to pick in the winter 

Aww, disgusting. How dare I... how dare I... 

Blatant offensive remarks... or a subtle cry for world peace? Really... does this not say that deep down... we are ALL the same? All of us? Except for white America... we are alone... an island onto ourselves... we are not the majority!!! 

Yes, when it comes right down to it... we are the MINORITY!!! 

And you know what... I personally am really sick of THE MAN holding me down!!! 

I gotta go and watch my tape of Frasier. Kelsey Grammer knows what it is to be a white man in a (CANADIAN)'s world. Kelsey knows... dammit. 

You guys got cool people like Dr. King and Malcolm Ten. Who do we get? F-ing Carrot Top, Kathie Lee Gifford, and Howie Mandel. 

RAY ROMANO DOES NOT HAVE A DREAM, DAMMIT!!! 

This is Hyatte